I haven’t posted anything of substance in a great while because I suffering from depression and I have been in a bad cycle since October. Depression is something I have always struggled with and some days I can pull myself up a little higher and feel what I consider more normal. But right now that hasn’t happened. Right now everything is hard. Everything hurts. Each step, word, look causes questions to explode into a million thoughts etching themselves into my skin unwashable, unshakeable – unfortunately. I try to rub away at them trying to erase each one, but you know how when you try to erase chalk on a chalkboard, it smears into dust, but never is really clean or gone. That is what is going on with me right now.
I wish I would be normal. Where I could get up, go to a regular 9 to 5 job, make small talk, and move through the day like so many seem to do with ease. But I have battled this war forever. It is part of my chemical make-up. I can’t pretend it away. I learn to cope with it the best I can and do gentle self-care comforts that help me have a better quality of life living with this invisible illness.
(photo from when we were in Denver the end of February.)