I hope it does.
I hope it does.
I haven’t posted anything of substance in a great while because I suffering from depression and I have been in a bad cycle since October. Depression is something I have always struggled with and some days I can pull myself up a little higher and feel what I consider more normal. But right now that hasn’t happened. Right now everything is hard. Everything hurts. Each step, word, look causes questions to explode into a million thoughts etching themselves into my skin unwashable, unshakeable – unfortunately. I try to rub away at them trying to erase each one, but you know how when you try to erase chalk on a chalkboard, it smears into dust, but never is really clean or gone. That is what is going on with me right now.
I wish I would be normal. Where I could get up, go to a regular 9 to 5 job, make small talk, and move through the day like so many seem to do with ease. But I have battled this war forever. It is part of my chemical make-up. I can’t pretend it away. I learn to cope with it the best I can and do gentle self-care comforts that help me have a better quality of life living with this invisible illness.
(photo from when we were in Denver the end of February.)
This photo was taken November 2, 2013. Michael and I went to a local event that might. A young woman sat down at our table and we were blessed to get to know her just a little bit as she was such a bright light. Tonight friends gathered to remember her. Going to miss that beautiful girl…her amazing spirit and radiant smile.
Michael and I have had several deaths around is lately. We are processing our grief and remembering dear people in our lives.
One of the ways Flora Bowley suggested to invite the sacred was to set intention. I like trying to do that daily, but it isn’t something that is habit. Often it is just subconscious intention set in the morning. But today I set an intention mindfully as I have been feeling darkness so I decided I wanted to see light even if not within me at this moment- to see it around me. As soon as I set that intention I walked into the kitchen and a pattern of light was spilling across the counter.
Last weeks photo really should have been today’s and this should have been last weeks. I am going through a tough depression cycle and last week it was at it’s head. So those storm clouds really represent it well.